Jasper对着每个镜头道歉

在最新播出的综艺节目《新生日记》第二季中，陈小春与应采儿7岁的儿子Jasper因为删掉自己拍摄的视频惹妈妈应采儿生气后，独自一人跑到楼上蒙着被子平复心情，他不仅主动用对讲机跟节目组道歉，还对着家里的每一个镜头道歉了一番，最后再跑回楼下跟妈妈说Sorry。

借（cèng）此（gè）机（rè）会（diǎn），我们来学习一下纽约时报（The New York Times）这篇关于家庭教育的文章。

无注释原文：

Love and Merit

The New York Times

There are two great defining features of child-rearing today. First, children are now praised to an unprecedented degree. As Dorothy Parker once joked, American children aren’t raised; they are incited. They are given food, shelter and applause. That’s a thousand times more true today. Children are incessantly told how special they are.

The second defining feature is that children are honed to an unprecedented degree. The meritocracy is more competitive than ever before. Parents are more anxious about their kids getting into good colleges and onto good career paths. Parents spend much more time than in past generations investing in their children’s skills and résumés and driving them to practices and rehearsals.

These two great trends — greater praise and greater honing — combine in intense ways. Children are bathed in love, but it is often directional love. Parents shower their kids with affection, but it is meritocratic affection. It is intermingled with the desire to help their children achieve worldly success.

Very frequently it is manipulative. Parents unconsciously shape their smiles and frowns to steer their children toward behavior they think will lead to achievement. Parents glow with extra fervor when their child studies hard, practices hard, wins first place, gets into a prestigious college.

This sort of love is merit based. It is not simply: I love you. It is, I love you when you stay on my balance beam. I shower you with praise and care when you’re on my beam.

The wolf of conditional love is lurking in these homes. The parents don’t perceive this; they feel they love their children in all circumstances. But the children often perceive things differently.

Children in such families come to feel that childhood is a performance — on the athletic field, in school and beyond. They come to feel that love is not something that they deserve because of who they intrinsically are but is something they have to earn.

These children begin to assume that this merit-tangled love is the natural order of the universe. The tiny glances of approval and disapproval are built into the fabric of communication so deep that they flow under the level of awareness. But they generate enormous internal pressure, the assumption that it is necessary to behave in a certain way to be worthy of love — to be self-worthy. The shadowy presence of conditional love produces a fear, the fear that there is no utterly safe love; there is no completely secure place where young people can be utterly honest and themselves.

On the one hand, many of the parents in these families are extremely close to their children. They communicate constantly. But the whole situation is fraught. These parents unconsciously regard their children as an arts project and insist their children go to colleges and have jobs that will give the parents status and pleasure — that will validate their effectiveness as dads and moms.

Meanwhile, children who are uncertain of their parents’ love develop a voracious hunger for it. This conditional love is like an acid that dissolves children’s internal criteria to make their own decisions about their own colleges, majors and careers. At key decision-points, they unconsciously imagine how their parents will react. They guide their lives by these imagined reactions and respond with hair-trigger sensitivity to any possibility of coldness or distancing.

These children tell their parents those things that will elicit praise and hide the parts of their lives that won’t. Studies by Avi Assor, Guy Roth and Edward L. Deci suggest that children who receive conditional love often do better in the short run. They can be model students. But they suffer in the long run. They come to resent their parents. They are so influenced by fear that they become risk averse. They lose a sense of agency. They feel driven by internalized pressures more than by real freedom of choice. They feel less worthy as adults.

Parents two generations ago were much more likely to say that they expected their children to be more obedient than parents today. But this desire for obedience hasn’t gone away; it’s just gone underground. Parents are less likely to demand obedience with explicit rules and lectures. But they are more likely to use love as a tool to exercise control.

The culture of the meritocracy is incredibly powerful. Parents desperately want happiness for their children and naturally want to steer them toward success in every way they can. But the pressures of the meritocracy can sometimes put this love on a false basis. The meritocracy is based on earned success. It is based on talent and achievement. But parental love is supposed to be oblivious to achievement. It’s meant to be an unconditional support — a gift that cannot be bought and cannot be earned. It sits outside the logic of the meritocracy, the closest humans come to grace.

- ◆ -

注：中文文本为纽约时报官方翻译仅供参考

含注释全文：

Love and Merit

别让爱成为孩子的负担

The New York Times

There are two great defining features of child-rearing today. First, children are now praised to an unprecedented degree. As Dorothy Parker once joked, American children aren't raised; they are incited. They are given food, shelter and applause. That's a thousand times more true today. Children are incessantly told how special they are.

如今的育儿有两大关键特征。第一，现在的孩子得到空前多的夸赞。桃乐丝·帕克（Dorothy Parker）曾经开玩笑说，美国的孩子不是抚养大的，是激励大的。他们得到了饮食、庇护与喝彩。这话在今天更是无比正确。人们不断对孩子说他们如何如何特别。

1）作名词，原意表示“特色；特征；特点”，英文解释为“something important, interesting or typical of a place or thing”，此前在iOS 14来了!文中就出现了多次的feature，介绍iOS 14各种新功能，新特点，举个🌰：

Which features do you look for when choosing a car?

你挑选轿车时要着重哪些特点？

2）feature作动词，表示“以…为特色；由…主演；以…为主要组成”，英文解释为“to include a particular person or thing as a special feature”，作动词往往可以理解为“有...”（功能/特色），举个🌰：

Many of the hotels featured in the brochure offer special deals for weekend breaks.

小册子列举的多家旅馆都有周末假日特别优待。

The film features Cary Grant as a professor.

这部电影由卡里·格兰特饰演一位教授。

表示“养育子女；抚养子女”，英文解释为“the work of taking care of children until they are old enough to take care of themselves”。

表示“史无前例的，空前的；绝无仅有的”，英文解释为“never having happened or existed in the past”举个🌰：

This century has witnessed environmental destruction on an unprecedented scale.

环境在本世纪遭到了空前的破坏。

🎬电影《星运里的错》（The Fault in Our Stars）中的台词提到：You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are. 你太忙于做自己 都没有意识到自己是那么的令人心动。

表示“煽动；鼓动；激励；刺激”，英文解释为“to encourage sb to do sth violent, illegal or unpleasant, especially by making them angry or excited”如：to incite crime/racial hatred/violence 教唆犯罪；煽动种族仇恨/暴力。

🎬电影《碟中谍4》（Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol）中的台词提到：they will be branded terrorists out to incite global nuclear war 他们将被认定为煽动了全球核战爆发的恐怖分子。

The second defining feature is that children are honed to an unprecedented degree. The meritocracy is more competitive than ever before. Parents are more anxious about their kids getting into good colleges and onto good career paths. Parents spend much more time than in past generations investing in their children's skills and résumés and driving them to practices and rehearsals.

第二个关键特征是孩子受到了前所未有的锻造磨砺。在精英体制下，竞争空前激烈。父母比以往更担心孩子能否进入优秀大学，踏上职场坦途。比起以前几代人，现在的父母会花更多的时间对孩子的技能和履历进行投入，开车送他们去训练和排练。

表示“磨炼，训练；提高（技艺）”，英文解释为“to improve your skill at doing something, especially when you are already very good at it”举个🌰：

He set about honing his skills as a draughtsman.

他着手提高自己的绘画技艺。

meritocracy /ˌmɛrɪˈtɒkrəsɪ/ 表示“精英领导体制；精英管理的社会”，英文解释为“a social system, society, or organization in which people have power because of their abilities, not because of their money or social position”。

📍下文出现形容词性：meritocratic /ˌmɛrɪtəˈkrætɪk/ （社会或社会制度）评功论赏的；任人唯才的；以功绩定地位的；精英管理的（A meritocratic society or social system gives people status or rewards because of what they achieve, rather than because of their wealth or social position.）

“简历，履历”常用的有两种说法：

📍résumé /ˈrɛzjʊˌmeɪ/ 实际上是个法语词汇，英文解释为“Your résumé is a brief account of your personal details, your education, and the jobs you have had. You are often asked to send a résumé when you are applying for a job.”

📍Curriculum Vitae, CV 拉丁语，英文解释：a short written document that lists your education and previous jobs, which you send to employers when you are looking for a job.

rehearsal /rɪˈhɜːsəl/ 表示“排练，排演，彩排”，英文解释为“a time when all the people involved in a play, dance, etc. practise in order to prepare for a performance”举个🌰：

They didn't have time for (a) rehearsal before the performance.

他们演出前根本就没有时间彩排。

These two great trends — greater praise and greater honing — combine in intense ways. Children are bathed in love, but it is often directional love. Parents shower their kids with affection, but it is meritocratic affection. It is intermingled with the desire to help their children achieve worldly success.

这两大倾向——更多的夸赞和更多的磨砺——是紧密结合的。孩子沉溺在爱中，但那爱是有指向的。父母向孩子倾注无限的感情，但那是精英至上的感情。其中掺杂着帮助孩子取得世俗成功的欲望。

shower作动词，也可以说shower sth. on sb. 表示“大量给予（某人）（礼物或赞美）”，英文解释为“to give someone a lot of presents or praise”举个🌰：

She only sees her niece occasionally, so she showers her with presents when she does.

她只能偶尔见到自己的侄女，因此见面时，她都送给她很多礼物。

作动词，表示“混合，混在一起”，英文解释为“to become mixed together”举个🌰：

The flavours intermingle to produce a very unusual taste.

多种味道混合在一起产生了一种非常独特的口味。

Very frequently it is manipulative. Parents unconsciously shape their smiles and frowns to steer their children toward behavior they think will lead to achievement. Parents glow with extra fervor when their child studies hard, practices hard, wins first place, gets into a prestigious college.

而这时常会表现为操纵欲。父母无意中用他们的微笑和皱眉作了向导，让孩子往他们认为可以通往成功的行为发展。孩子努力学习、训练、得第一名、进入名牌大学，会让父母心中充满欣喜。

表示“引导，带领”，英文解释为“to take someone or something or make someone or something go in the direction in which you want him, her, or it”举个🌰：

She steered her guests into the dining room.

她把客人们领到餐厅。

表示“（尤指因为眼睛放出光芒而）容光焕发，喜形于色；心满意足”，英文解释为“If someone glows with an emotion such as pride or pleasure, the expression on their face shows how they feel.”举个🌰：

She was positively glowing with pride.

她一副踌躇满志的样子。

The children's faces were glowing with excitement.

孩子们兴奋得满脸通红。

📍此处glow with extra fervor 被译为“（心中）充满欣喜”，fervor/fervour作名词，表示“热情；热诚；热烈”（strong and sincere beliefs）。

prestigious /prɛˈstɪdʒəs/表示“有威望的，有声望的，有威信的”，英文解释为“A prestigious institution, job, or activity is respected and admired by people.”举个🌰：

It's one of the best equipped and most prestigious schools in the country.

它是该国设备最好、最有声望的学校之一。

This sort of love is merit based. It is not simply: I love you. It is, I love you when you stay on my balance beam. I shower you with praise and care when you're on my beam.

这样的爱是基于价值判断的。它不是单纯的“我爱你”。它是“我爱那个在我的平衡木（balance beam）上不掉下来的你。只要你在上面，我会给你无尽的赞扬和体贴”。

The wolf of conditional love is lurking in these homes. The parents don't perceive this; they feel they love their children in all circumstances. But the children often perceive things differently.

有条件的爱是一只潜伏在家中的狼。父母对此毫无知觉；他们觉得他们无论何时何地都是爱他们的孩子的。但孩子的感受却往往不是这样。

lurk /lɜːk/ 表示“潜伏，埋伏”，英文解释为“to wait somewhere quietly and secretly, usually because you are going to do something wrong”举个🌰：

I didn't see the figure lurking behind the bushes.

我没有看到躲在树丛后的那个身影。

🎬电影《简·爱》（Jane Eyre）中的台词提到：For who knows what might lurk in these dark woods 天晓得 这阴森的树林里 还藏匿着什么妖魔鬼怪。

表示“察觉，注意到，意识到”，英文解释为“to see something or someone, or to notice something that is obvious”举个🌰：

He perceived a tiny figure in the distance.

他注意到远处有个很小的身影。

Children in such families come to feel that childhood is a performance — on the athletic field, in school and beyond. They come to feel that love is not something that they deserve because of who they intrinsically are but is something they have to earn.

在这样的家庭里，孩子会觉得童年是一场表演——在体育竞技场（athletic field）上，在学校里，不一而足。他们会开始认为，他们得到的爱并不是因为他们的本我，而是某种他们要争取的东西。

These children begin to assume that this merit-tangled love is the natural order of the universe. The tiny glances of approval and disapproval are built into the fabric of communication so deep that they flow under the level of awareness. But they generate enormous internal pressure, the assumption that it is necessary to behave in a certain way to be worthy of love — to be self-worthy. The shadowy presence of conditional love produces a fear, the fear that there is no utterly safe love; there is no completely secure place where young people can be utterly honest and themselves.

这些孩子开始认为，掺杂价值判断的爱是纵贯寰宇的自然秩序。那些转眼即逝的赞许或不满，是深深嵌入在交流之中的，在不知不觉中发生着。它们会引起巨大的内心压力，让孩子认定要想配得上这份爱——有自尊（self-worthy），自己需要按某种特定的方式行事。有条件的爱若隐若现，营造出一种恐惧，让人担心世上不存在绝对安全的爱；没有什么地方是完全可靠的，让年轻人可以尽显坦诚和自我。

On the one hand, many of the parents in these families are extremely close to their children. They communicate constantly. But the whole situation is fraught. These parents unconsciously regard their children as an arts project and insist their children go to colleges and have jobs that will give the parents status and pleasure — that will validate their effectiveness as dads and moms.

另一方面，这些家庭中的很多家长与孩子都异常亲近，他们时常交流。然而整个局面很纠结，这些家长下意识地将孩子看成是一个艺术项目，坚持让孩子去上大学，找工作，从而让父母有地位、感到愉快，因为这能印证他们作为父母卓有成效。

表示“令人极度忧虑的，十分担心的；令人担忧的”，英文解释为“If you say that a situation or action is fraught, you mean that it is worrisome or difficult. ”举个🌰：

It has been a somewhat fraught day. 

这是令人颇为担忧的一天。

Meanwhile, children who are uncertain of their parents' love develop a voracious hunger for it. This conditional love is like an acid that dissolves children's internal criteria to make their own decisions about their own colleges, majors and careers. At key decision-points, they unconsciously imagine how their parents will react. They guide their lives by these imagined reactions and respond with hair-trigger sensitivity to any possibility of coldness or distancing.

与此同时，对于父母的爱感到不确定的孩子，也会对父母的爱产生贪婪的渴求。这种有条件的爱具有腐蚀性，会侵蚀孩子内心里对求学、专业、就业独立做出决定的标准。在关键的决策节点上，他们会下意识地想象父母如何反应。他们指导自己的人生时，会参考这些想象的反应，并以高度的敏感应对任何冷淡或疏远的可能性。

本义指“贪吃的；食量大的，胃口大的”，英文解释为“eating or wanting large quantities of food”，举个🌰：

Pigs are voracious feeders.

猪的食量很大。

也可以指“渴求的，求知欲极强的”，英文解释为“having an extremely strong desire to do or have a lot of something”，如：a voracious reader 一个如饥似渴的读者。

1）表示“解散；解除；终止（婚姻关系或业务协议）”，英文解释为“When a marriage or business arrangement is dissolved, it is officially ended.”举个🌰：

Their marriage was dissolved in 2019.

他们的婚姻于2019年走到了尽头。

2）表示“（使）溶解”，英文解释为“(of a solid) to be absorbed by a liquid, especially when mixed, or (of a liquid) to absorb a solid”。

补充短语：

📍dissolve into tears/laughter表示“情不自禁地哭/笑了起来”（to suddenly start to cry or laugh）举个🌰：

When he saw her picture, he dissolved into tears.

看见她的照片，他情不自禁地哭了起来。

表示“一触即发的；转瞬即变的”，英文解释为“If you describe something as hair-trigger, you mean that it is likely to change very violently and suddenly.”比如形容一个人的脾气时可以说，a hair-trigger temper 火暴脾气。

These children tell their parents those things that will elicit praise and hide the parts of their lives that won't. Studies by Avi Assor, Guy Roth and Edward L. Deci suggest that children who receive conditional love often do better in the short run. They can be model students. But they suffer in the long run. They come to resent their parents. They are so influenced by fear that they become risk averse. They lose a sense of agency. They feel driven by internalized pressures more than by real freedom of choice. They feel less worthy as adults.

这些孩子会告诉父母那些可以赢得赞扬的事情，隐瞒自己生活中不会受到赞赏的事情。阿维·阿瑟（Avi Assor）、盖·罗斯（Guy Roth）和爱德华·L·德吉（Edward L. Deci）开展的研究显示，得到有条件的爱的孩子们从短期来看情况都不错，他们可以成为模范学生。但从长期来看，他们会厌恶自己的父母。他们在很大程度上受到恐惧的影响，以至于会变得嫌恶风险。他们失去了主动性（a sense of agency）。他们会感觉，自己受到的驱动更多是来自于内化的压力，而不是真正的选择自由。他们成年后也会感觉没那么出色。

表示“引出，探出，诱出（尤指信息或反应）”，英文解释为“to get or produce something, especially information or a reaction”举个🌰：

Have you managed to elicit a response from them yet?

你设法探到他们的反应了吗？

表示“不喜欢的；不想做；反对做”，英文解释为“If you say that you are not averse to something, you mean that you like it or want to do it.”举个🌰：

He's not averse to publicity, of the right kind.

他不反对宣传，只要是正当的。

Parents two generations ago were much more likely to say that they expected their children to be more obedient than parents today. But this desire for obedience hasn't gone away; it's just gone underground. Parents are less likely to demand obedience with explicit rules and lectures. But they are more likely to use love as a tool to exercise control.

两代人之前，父母们会比今天更愿意说，他们期待孩子们更听话。不过这种让孩子顺从的欲望并没有消失，只是转移到了地下。父母通过明确地订规矩，直白地教训来要求孩子顺从的做法有所减少，但是他们更倾向于用爱当做施加控制的工具。

表示“服从的；顺从的，听话的”，英文解释为“doing, or willing to do, what you have been told to do by someone in authority”举个🌰：

Students are expected to be quiet and obedient in the classroom.

学生们在课堂上应该安静听话。

The culture of the meritocracy is incredibly powerful. Parents desperately want happiness for their children and naturally want to steer them toward success in every way they can. But the pressures of the meritocracy can sometimes put this love on a false basis. The meritocracy is based on earned success. It is based on talent and achievement. But parental love is supposed to be oblivious to achievement. It's meant to be an unconditional support — a gift that cannot be bought and cannot be earned. It sits outside the logic of the meritocracy, the closest humans come to grace.

精英至上的文化强大得出人意料。父母迫切地想让自己的孩子幸福，自然也就希望引导他们以各种可能的方式走向成功。然而精英主义的压力有时却会把爱放在错误的基础上。精英主义的基础是努力赢得的成功，根源于才能和成就。然而父母的爱本应该不在意成就。父母的爱理应是无条件的支持——这种馈赠既不能买来也无法赚来。这种爱置身于精英至上的逻辑之外，是人类最接近大爱的举动。

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